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Going to teach my first lesson.
I was five months into therapy. |
I've hinted at it before, but I don't know if I have ever written it explicitly before on this blog. I have depression and anxiety. I'm okay now, but two years ago things were very different. Two years ago I realized that I didn't want to be an engineer. I didn't know what I wanted to do, but I knew Chemical Engineering wasn't for me. I told my parents and they decided we should wait and year and come back to it. I didn't make it.
You see, I spent most of March to October obsessing over this dilemma. It culminated at the beginning of October when my Mom called me one morning and I burst into tears. Bursting into tears wasn't a new thing, most of the phone calls I made at this time involved a lot of crying. What made this call different was the literal hysterics. I couldn't breathe and I was just in the worst state imaginable. Both of parents drove up to my school to bring me to therapy that day. I was still crying when they showed up, and I cried through the whole therapy session. I was in a really bad place. I wouldn't sleep at night, but then sleep all day. I would days without leaving my bed - no showers and no meals. I got into the habit of not eating for days and then binge-eating a meal from a fast food place. I was in bad shape.
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The only picture I took. I'm the second from the right
in the middle row. |
I always say that you don't realize suicidal thoughts aren't normal until you're better. Once they stop coming, you realize that thoughts of killing yourself are not every day occurrences for other people. I still remember when I admitted I needed help to myself. I was on a trip with my class. Something that should have been fun and enjoyable, but I was miserable. I was missing class, but if I was being honest with myself I was really upset that I couldn't stay in my room for those two days. It was on the drive back. It was the middle of the night, and the whole car was asleep, except for me. I stayed awake the whole time ruminating on what was going wrong with my life. I wanted to die, but I didn't want to do it myself. I used to wish for some act of God to take me away like a car crash or terrible illness, but God never delivered. So I sat in that car, and contemplated whether those thoughts were healthy or constructive, and that's when I finally admitted to myself that I was suicidal. It was a horrible admission. I couldn't say the word suicide for a year because I was so ashamed of what I wanted at that time. It felt so wrong. I still don't know if I told my family or if I am ready to tell my family. I have one picture from the whole trip. I took no photos with any of my friends, and when I look back on that photo I remember how much I hated myself. I didn't want my picture taken because of all the weight I had gained and because of how much I just didn't like being me. I think about all that the picture doesn't show. You look at it, and I'm smiling. I look fine. When people ask my parents how they couldn't know what I was going through I think about this photo. I hid my depression so well, it's almost scary.
It was a horrible year. I started Weight Watchers in January with the intention of losing about 30 pounds. I lost 25 by May. Then by October I was back up 30 pounds. I undid all of my work in a matter of months. 2017 added another 15 pounds as I went through therapy and learned new coping mechanisms. I hated myself for most of that year. I hated my brain and I hated my body, but all my energy was being spent on therapy and healthy thoughts. I couldn't handle any other stress, and I let my physical health fall to the wayside.
In comes 2018. I'm still in biweekly therapy, and I had a minor depressive episode last month, but I feel great. I'm happy and engaged for the first time in over a year. I love my job and what I study, and my life finally feels like it's back in control. I'm determined to lose all of the weight I have put on in the past 2 years. I want to be back where I was before everything fell apart. Depression and anxiety sucks. My family and friends have been the best supporters through this entire ordeal, but I can't lean on them forever. I am in charge of my life, now. I still have bad depression days, but I will not let them take over my life. I need to be better. I want to move on.
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This past weekend. A genuine
smile holding my niece. |
Have a great day wherever you are. And if you are struggling with your mental health, you can always reach out to me. I've been there. I know how lonely it is.
DFTBA and Keep Moving Forward
<3 Allie
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